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The "Problem" with being me.

When you grow up you go through different phases or times in your life.
These manifest themselves in the way you dress, the music you listen to, the political views you get or set as a standard for yourself.
At some point i got to an age where i thought "okay i have to be grown up now"
And that involved bundling up my past and letting it be - even looking at what i thought was right back then or belittling the essences of my former lifestyle (music, politics, etc).
The years i have spent living in Vienna where just everything - literally filled with pretty much every situation one can imagine.

I got empowered.
I was dragged down.
I gained many new friends.
I lost many old friends.
appreciation.
rejection.
Love.
Pain.
things that we as overall would call LIFE.

In all of this my biggest problem was to find a group i belong to or to have friends who are truly my friends -
not seeing that the friends i had the longest already where all i needed.
Very slowly and probably only over the last three years i have realized what it is that makes me, me.
I realized that i feel exactly what is good for me and i learned to listen to my - one calls it gut others call is god others call it inner voice - whatever it is. I hear it and i communicate with it.

For people who got to know me in that age of 10 to 15 - i apologize - i was in full on puberty and obsessed by the movement of the 1960s to 70s (still am)
To question. To be against the system, to not accept authorities, to demonstrate, to voice your opinion even it that means that someone will get dragged out of their comfort zone.
These influences and a rather fundamentalist christian surrounding  made me think there was  only black or white (not meant racially) , no room for any shades of grey.
Of course i was open to discuss things and topics - as long as my opinion stays the only way.

I have come a long way since then and this article is not meant to be a strip tease of my privacy - at least not more then i have already let you in on.

Why am i telling you all of this?
Well. Last night i went out with my friend brooke who also lives here in Bali.



I met Brooke some months ago when we both got invited to an exhibition of a mutual friend who had taken our picture for her exhibitions (see her work HERE)
The minute i met her i thought i was standing in front of a reincarnation of the one and only Stevie Nicks herself. Brooke has exquisit sense of fashion and style and absolutely RAD dancfloor skills!

We became friends. So last night we visited a new rock bar and we had the best time ever.
We literally were the only people in the bar all night long but that didnt matter much to us because we had us, a whiskey and great music.

It was last night when i realized how i missed nights like these.
Sitting in a bar talking about (rock)music raising my glass to T.N.T. by ACDC and dancing on the stage feeling like "Heroes" with David Bowie. Getting sentimental when Leonard Cohen strikes the cords and sings his cold and broken halleluja and smelling the teen spirit of days past.

I saw how many years i was following trends and a crowd because it was the new thing to do and the better/adult way to live - but actually all of that is not 100% me.
I work as fashion designer and i love my job and i can not imagine doing anything else. But i have changed, i used to walk into a room with people dressed in the Louboutin heels and their chanel bags. Sipping away on their champaign glasses gossiping about everything and everyone moving their skinny hips to horrible house music complaining about first world problems.
And i felt comfortable with that - i fused into is, i became part of that lifestyle.

But it is not my nature.
My nature is having compassion for other people, taking an interest int them. I am a helping spirit and i do everything for my friends because my friends have become my family. I enjoy being around "freaks" - people who think look and act different and still take an interest and feel love towards each other. I dont give a flying fuck what or who you wear because that does not define who you are.

"Happiness is more important then making sure the dresscode is on point."

I have been disappointed by so many of the above named "friends" but also of other people who i truly believed where closer to me. And i learned to not get sad or aggressive anymore about other people failing. Because that is just the nature f humas. we make mistakes and i never made the experience that me sitting someone down to talk (my) "sense" in their head ever worked.

I have realized who my real friends are.
I have realized that people disappoint you always but it is up to you how you deal with that disappointment.
I have realized who my real friends are not.
I have realized that i am done pleasing people.
I have realized that my life is mine and mine alone to live and and happy with myself.

And most important i have realized the power of my own choices.
I decide with my choices how the picture of life is being painted and with that i also realized that i do not believe in "wrong choices" i believe in choices and the consequences and things that are out of my hand are not for me get in panic about.


So i rase my "knob" whiskey on the rocks to my friend Brooke who i had a night full of revelation with!



Cheers!

MB


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